[ Here stands King Dimitri Alexandre Blaidyyd, scourge of kittens. He's just sitting on a seat in the living room as he stares blankly at Sylvain, device held helplessly in his hand before he gives his friend a Look of exasperation. ]
If I knew that, I wouldn't be sitting here stuck with them playing on me.
[ He moves when Sylvain plucks them off though, finally stretching his shoulders and standing. ]
I just hadn't wanted them to fall and hurt themselves, is all.
[ Or get crushed by his attempt to hold them. He does give Sylvain an awkward, sheepish look though. ]
Thank you. Now we need to get them somewhere safe before Professor returns...
[Okay - the fact he didn't want to move them himself for fear of hurting them is... both a valid concern and also very, very cute.
He won't go ahead and call him out on that, though, letting him have the 'I didn't want them to fall' excuse. There were enough cats at Garreg Mach for them both to know that they were far sturdier than that.]
You don't want him to meet them? They successfully defeated you, after all.
[Yeah, he's not going to let him live that one down any time soon.
Even if it does become glaringly apparent how rambunctious they are when one climbs its way up onto his shoulders, even as the other seems very content in his arms.]
[ Damnit Sylvain stop reading him so well. He just gives him a tired look at that remark before watching the kittens start to play and climb all over Sylvain now—
At least, from here, they look adorable. He sighs and sets his device down on the coffee table there, shaking his head as he looks aside for a moment. The mention of the Professor is enough to get his cheeks visibly colouring again, but he does try to maintain his composure. ]
I was in the middle of cleaning his chambers next door. The last thing he needs is kittens making more of a mess. But.. I suppose showing them to him isn't too bad.
[ He looks back at Sylvain though, unsure on how to approach this but. ]
... now that you're here, though, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
[Can't stop, won't stop. It's his right as The Insightful One of the childhood friend squad.
But at least Dimitri looks more at ease with the kittens in... safer... hands.
Until the Professor is mentioned, at least. He does take note of that blush, stores the knowledge away for later use - to tease Dimitri or Byleth or both with.]
You did take a photo... Should I set them outside, so we can talk?
[He sure does notice that uncertain, nervous air about him, so he wants to be able to give him his full attention, if the topic warrants it.
He's sure it does, to get Dimitri like this, but on the other hand, maybe the presence of the kittens would... lighten the mood a bit. So they'll stay if Dimitri wants them to stay. If he doesn't, they'll be safely let out.]
I didn't take the picture. They did it themselves.
[ The kittens are somehow smarter about the device than he is. But he looks up at Sylvain before shaking his head and motioning to him to set the kittens down near a box they were favouring. He at least managed to get some yarn the Professor brought in in there and he had just been failing in getting them off him long enough to play.
Once done, he sighs, moving a hand behind the back of his neck— he's dressed down, wearing a shirt similar to the one in Claude's post, just in black, and matching breeches- he hardly looks as intimidating as he does in full armor, at least. ]
It's about... the Professor. I may have said something to him that... may change things between us.
[ It's not bad news at least, but he wants to at least let Sylvain know. Felix, too, but he has a feeling he'd be less inclined to actually listen to something like this. ]
... and I'm... unsure, on how this bodes for when we return.
[They did it themselves... Oh. Dimitri. That's cute...
Still, he does as instructed, sets the kittens down in the box, and watches to make sure they become more preoccupied with the yarn than with coming back to play with either of them. Especially Dimitri.
Double-especially since neither of them are in armor, and fabric makes climbing legs so much easier for tiny claws.]
You finally confessed to him, didn't you?
[There's... something of an odd expression on his face as he asks. He's proud of Dimitri - and that's what shows through the most! - but there's also a tinge of melancholy and worry mixed in, too.
It's not really a secret how most of them had some level of affection for the Professor, and really it was only a matter of time until someone said something. It's just a bit of a surprise that Dimitri beat everyone else to the punch.
He hopes it went well. He also hopes it doesn't change anything between them, or between Byleth and the rest of them.]
[ Those words make his eye widen in shock. He's sure Byleth hasn't said anything yet (mostly due to the amount of time he's been spending with him) but it dawns on him that Sylvain's far more perceptive about this than he could have imagined.
It'd be frightening if it weren't so reaffirming of the fact that his friend is simply extremely admirable if he puts his mind to it.
He looks as though he wants to ask how he knows but then thinks better of it, sighing and giving him a half-smile. ]
I'm both surprised and not that you guessed, Sylvain.
[ The only other person he imagines who would would be Claude— but that's another he'll figure out in time.
At his question, he lifts a hand as though to reassure him. ]
It went well. He feels the same way. I'm just...
[ His expression shifts to something more reminiscent of when they were younger— when Dimitri was younger, far less destroyed with experiences he can't take back. ]
I'm just worried that I'm being too selfish, especially with us in a place like this. A place where it's likely the environment alone will make us desire others.
[ He's come a long way if he's actually feeling worried about this. ]
... I don't want him to feel unhappy, or guilty. I fear I've said too much too soon, but I don't want to take it back.
[ He just wants to know if it's something they should continue to explore within this environment at all.. when it can't be permanent yet. ]
I love him, Sylvain. I just want him to be happy.
[ He lowers his gaze, his fists clenching to his sides. The thought of Byleth having to struggle in choosing between him or others is not something he wants him to suffer if the situation arises. ]
[Byleth hasn't told him a thing about it, but... well, Dimitri was obvious. And when he said he'd spoken to the Professor... it wasn't difficult to put two and two together.
The fact that Sylvain is terribly observant, but rarely shows it is just an aside, and the surprise on Dimitri's face alone makes that much worth it.
But even so, he doesn't interject, just stands by and listens, takes in all Dimitri's saying. His concerns aren't unfounded in the least bit, and the fact that Dimitri is concerned, along with allowing himself to feel these things so intensely is a beautiful thing. He's come a long way, and he hates to have to be... somewhat pragmatic in the face of it.
But Dimitri is his closest friend. He can't let him carry on with the potential of being hurt without allowing him to see all the options - pleasant and otherwise - in front of him.]
Dimitri... I don't believe you're being too selfish. Especially not if he feels the same. I can't speak to wanting to stay committed to one person-
[A laugh, light, airy, but still with a heavy undertone of bitterness - he knows his reputation, and it was very well-earned besides.]
-But I don't want you, either of you, to be hurt.
[A sigh, as he chews on his bottom lip, thinking about how to word what he feels he has to say next and finds himself unable to look directly at Dimitri.]
You've spoken with Claude. You know... we may - all of us - be from entirely different versions of our world. I don't know how, but that doesn't matter right now. What does is if you're prepared to have that conversation with him again, when we get home, if you have to. And... if, knowing that, it really matters what this place does to your desires regarding others.
[He's inclined to think it doesn't matter - but then again he thinks very little matters in the first place, regarding matters of attraction.]
[ There's only the slightest huff of laughter as Sylvain mentions commitment— there's not much to be said about the obvious really, but he does watch Sylvain's body language. And he finds that he's a bit too attentive to it, a realization that he's finding himself having again every time he sees him.
It's difficult not to, having known- and cared for Sylvain for as long as he has. Even as he watched him hide so much of his suffering behind a careless smile and dismissed concern—
It's not like he didn't want to support him whenever times got hard. For all that Sylvain's decided to show himself to be, he knows there's more to him- always has, and it's always saddened him when Sylvain has downplayed that.
With a sigh, once he's done talking, he falls quiet as he looks down. Would he be prepared to have this conversation again?
It they forget- no. He knows his feelings were present even before he came here. And Byleth..
He reached out his hand. ]
... no. It won't matter.
[ He turns his gaze back to Sylvain. ]
Regardless of what happens here— even if I forget this place, my feelings for him will be as they were before I came here. That won't change. He saved me, Sylvain. I dread to think what would have happened had he not...
[ And right now, the thought of dying to his vengeance seems so pointless. ]
Forgive me. I'm... just not sure how to progress. This is all so new to me.
[ He lifts his gaze, almost looking like that rather lost and confused student at Garreg Mach, hoping to get Sylvain's aid for something he hasn't ever pursued before. ]
Edited (Press F for respect) 2019-10-05 19:37 (UTC)
[And there's that look. It takes him back, to Garreg Mach, yes, and further. It stirs a protectiveness in him, an almost brotherly - almost, because he's not entirely sure what "brotherly" even means, all told - affection. He's ill equipped to advise Dimitri in these matters, but he wants to help.
Even if helping only ends up being making a sounding board of himself for Dimitri to air his thoughts to, or a tempering presence for wild emotions.
So he softens. Offers Dimitri a smile that isn't nearly as bright as he usually would, but this one is all sincerity and pride. He really has come back to himself, hasn't he? And not just the 'himself' of the academy, but the 'himself' from before the tragedy. The little boy with the too-big heart.
The remaining scars will heal in time, but he's returned.]
You'll figure out how to progress. With him. I'm sure of it.
[It's not quite advice and he knows it, but if there's one thing he does know it's that every relationship is different. There are similarities, sure, but he can't tell Dimitri how to progress in his relationship with Byleth because, honestly, he's never had one like it.]
And as for what to do about what this place does... that's a conversation to be having with him as well, Dimitri. I'd be inclined to suggest that you not attempt to be exclusively... ah- physical, with one another, but maybe that's me being selfish.
[There's that laugh again - that one that's a little too light and airy, that has hints of something darker underneath. Because maybe he shouldn't have worded it that way, but... he had, and now he'll have to contend with the fact that he'd like to be intimate with Dimitri. And Byleth. That is, if Dimitri can read between the lines easily enough to pick that out.]
Just know that I will be here for you no matter what you two decide, my friend.
[ As he lifts his gaze, he does notice it- the kind of smile he gets, and it's enough to at least lower his guard enough to allow those words in.
He's spent so long in his aggression, so long hating and pushing away— that it's been a while since he could even bring himself to even think about listening to someone else's advice.
Perhaps, the fact that it's coming from Sylvain of all people is what makes it matter even more, so he's quiet as he speaks, pausing when he's done. While he doesn't entirely hear the undertone, he does see some sort of validity to his words. ]
Ah, you're right... this place will often have us being influenced, or even in situations where we might end up intimate with more people besides one another. And if not that, then we may have to assist each other with chroma drain.
[ He assumes that's what Sylvain means... ]
As... difficult as it might be, we should be prepared for those scenarios.
[ He speaks aloud- but, he finally looks up at Sylvain. ]
It might not be comfortable for me to see someone I have such feelings for with others, but at least here, I can be understanding. And... I would not turn any of you away in this place, should you need my presence.
[ Intimately, or just doing what they're doing now. ]
Only you can decide what is or is not acceptable for you, here.
[So that's... not a yes, but it's not a no, either. The important thing is that Dimitri's heart is in the right place, and that he's trying. That's... more than he expected, honestly.
But he can't just let Dimitri go on assuming that any affection between them would be from either the world's influence or for the sake of chroma. He could get that with anyone. Easily. And he's not entirely sure Dimitri understands what he's just said, about not turning any of them away.]
I just might turn you away, though, if the only time you'd consider intimacy is for the chroma, or while under the moons' influence.
[It stings, to put it so bluntly like that, but... that's what it feels like, and it would be unfair to Dimitri to keep it from him.
But that's where the selfishness comes in. If it was only a matter of making money, or only a matter of alleviating some effect, he could use - and be used by - anyone, but doing something like that to someone he cares about is out of the question, and he won't allow someone he cares about to sour his opinion of them by allowing them to do such things in return. It's too similar to what happens at home for him to be comfortable doing that.
But suddenly his tone lightens again, and his expression brightens - he even gives Dimitri a wink, too, just to emphasize that he really doesn't have any hard feelings (yet), and the flirting to come is very, very genuine.]
But... if you desire my presence, then I'd be foolish to turn you down, wouldn't I?
[ For a moment, Dimitri stares at Sylvain, unsure of what he could have said to warrant those words. He's never even imagined Sylvain turning him away, if only for the fact that the very idea seems absurd.
He's taking him for granted, isn't he?
It makes him still, listening to him, even as he teases, and yet he can detect something there- something that worries him and causes him to try and parse what he's actually implying.
And the realization that Sylvain is suggesting something beyond what they need for obligation, makes his jaw drop just slightly, though he catches himself as he feels his face heating up a bit. This is unlike Sylvain, even if he's trying to coat it with flirtation, and he can't help but feel a rush of nervousness followed by a feeling he hasn't paid any attention to until recently.
[ There's a brief reminder of how they were as children- how Felix and him, even Ingrid to an extent, looked up to him...
His next words come from that same place of affection, shared between friends. ]
... regardless of your activities, I cannot think of a moment where I did not desire your presence, Sylvain.
[ It's honest, even if he means this he hasn't wanted him for more than that- and yet... that feeling of longing remains, as he adds— ]
Am I allowed to be so selfish, after everything?
[ He repeats, now aimed at Sylvain- because after the atrocities he's committed, is it even right for him to want any more from his friends than they already give? ]
[The answer came too quickly, so the epithet is tacked on to, in some ways, draw back a bit. It's a habit - a bad one - for him to be somewhat afraid to put himself, his genuine wants, out there.
So, of course Dimitri is allowed to be selfish. He's their king, why would he not be? He could ask the world of them, and they'd bring him the universe.
...But isn't that why he should be less afraid? It's Dimitri. The little boy that ran after him in the snow, who cried when he tripped and scraped his knee. The handsome young noble who looked to him for guidance at the Monastery, despite his reputation. The beast, swallowed up in the depths of grief and suffering that they all still stood by until he found a way to claw himself out and return to them.
His question had been genuine, so he shouldn't be flippant.
So he sighs, and starts again.]
Of course. I mean it, Dimitri. Ask anything of me, and it will be yours, and I'm certain we all feel the same.
[ He can see what Sylvain is trying to do- he's done it so many times before, after all, and for a moment, he feels a sinking sadness in his chest.
He can demand that much because he's their king. Would they be so conceding, were he not?
Even someone like Sylvain would...
The atmosphere around them feels far too tense, despite it, and he doesn't like it. To the point where he can hear the kittens purring in their box now, sated by their toys, and Sylvain's breaths, even-
Comforting. ]
... then don't treat me as though I were your king when we're here, Sylvain. I'm king of nothing here. And you're...
[ He trails off, finally stepping forward to reach out and move his hand over Sylvain's upper arm. The rest of him moves until he can move both arms around him, lowering his head to rest against the side of Sylvain's, the scent of his body all but palpable. ]
Why is it always my desire? Why can't I give you something you want?
[ This is far too much kindness for someone who has yet to do all he can to repent. He clutches Sylvain closer, as though afraid he'll just pull away again.
[It's hard to say if they would be or not. He can't speak for the others, but... he, at least, likely would be. As often as he sets distance between them, Dimitri is still one of his only friends, and that's far more important to him than rank or status or even the fact that Dimitri is their king.
That does not change the fact, though, that Dimitri could still demand more of him than, perhaps, he may be comfortable with. What that might be, he doesn't know, but it's still a part of life.
That insistence does bring a quirk of a smile to his face. He'd made the same assertion back at the Monastery, to mixed effect. But... he's right. Here, at least, the only reason to hold on to propriety is... habit.
Even so, he very nearly steps away when Dimitri places his hand on his arm. When he wraps him close. When he rests his head against his. He doesn't pull away, but he does bring his hands up between them and places them on Dimitri's chest.
He can feel his heartbeat. His breathing. It's striking, after seeing him encased in heavy armor, shut away from the world, for so long.
He's held closer still, and he drops his head down to rest on Dimitri's shoulder, fingers curling in that shirt.]
You can't, because I'm... terrible. And more selfish than you deserve to be burdened with.
[He's playing with fire, and he knows it. Bright and hot and burning, threatening to get away from him, like when he'd first learned to cast, when little hands couldn't contain magefire.
But Dimitri asked for honesty. It's the least he can do to give it for once.]
Bluntly? I want as much of you as you're willing to give me.
[ He can feel the distance Sylvain is still trying to keep between them, and it makes that feeling in his chest grow intense, even as he becomes far too aware of Sylvain's hands against his.
(These hands that held not just me, but the others who came to you for warmth, Sylvain. Are you going to let them grow cold now?)
It's hard enough for Dimitri, who's gone so long without such closeness and touch for these years, where the scars of his trauma have seared through him to make everything feel like it can never offer him any comfort- to reach out like this. To open himself to the comfort that he ought to take.
That he's selfishly taken, and will hold, from Byleth.
And this... ]
Then I'm giving it to you.
[ He says, a little sharply, before pulling his head back to look firmly into Sylvain's eyes. Their faces are hardly far, enough for him to feel Sylvain's breaths on his face. ]
Whatever I am now, I wouldn't be without the Professor, but what I was allowed to be- as myself, beyond the madness and before, was because I had all of you. And especially—
[ His own hand moves up to Sylvain's chest, the both of them very nearly the same height, yet enough for Dimitri to still stand a little taller-
And that's when he moves, doing the only thing he can to speak in a language Sylvain will comprehend, after how he's twisted himself. Dimitri's hand rises to the back of his head, fingers threading in the strands, before he pulls him closer, and presses their mouths together.
It's not a lustful kiss- nor is it one to entice. It's simple, longing, and comforting.
As though telling Sylvain that he would give him even more than this, only because it was him. He lets it linger, feeling his face burn, before he breaks it, but doesn't move too far back. ]
Because I've always had you, Sylvain. Don't you dare try and presume that you mean any less to me.
[He's always been cold. He was born in it, raised in it, shelled himself in ice even now. What warmth he gives to others is incidental. Selfish, or so he led himself to believe. Taking, and taking twice over, with little emotional attachment.
But that was never really true when it came to those he actually held dear, was it? Dimitri and Felix and Ingrid were allowed in, before he walled himself away. Byleth and Mercedes and, later, Dorothea saw right through him, but unlike others, they didn't let him push back, push them away.
Even so... it's too much. He should push away - as if he could even do such a thing, now, with Dimitri holding him tight - should leave, should pretend he'd never opened up, never said something so stupid.
The sharpness in Dimitri's voice roots him in place, makes him pull his head back as well to look at him - really, truly look at him.
There's intensity in his gaze, and sincerity, and though he still wants to protest - that he'd done so little, that he should have been there, should have given him more, everything, that he's terrible, that he doesn't deserve what he's asking of him... - he can't. He's awful. Worthless. Less than worthless, here, where his crest doesn't matter, but even so, Dimitri sees something of value in him. He won't - can't - cast that aside.
He's never noticed before that Dimitri had grown taller than him, with how he's so often hunched in on himself under the weight of his armor and his furs and his grief. He notices now, when Dimitri draws up to his full height, when he threads fingers in his hair, when he makes him lean up into a kiss he still doesn't feel as though he deserves.
He returns it anyway, and there's an intensity in it from him in the longing in it, almost desperate. He reaches up, too, lets his hands slide over Dimitri's chest until he can drape his arms over his shoulders, around his neck, holding on, now, instead of poised to push away.
He can't even tease Dimitri for the blush on his face when he finally breaks it, because he can feel that there's one on his own cheeks as well.]
Goddess... I... Dimitri, I don't know what to say...
[Maybe that's for the best. His first impulse, even after all that, was to apologize for making Dimitri feel as though he had to do that, say that. Or for even coming between him and Byleth this much - as though he knew what would and would not be contentious. His second impulse was to insist that they stop, that Dimitri see what Byleth was comfortable with him doing, here, before they went further... and then to backpedal again, because that would be presuming they would.
But either of those would be throwing everything Dimitri had just told him, everything he'd just done, back in his face. He can't do that. He won't do that.
What he can do, what he's always done, that comes as easy as breathing, is trust him.]
[ To be absolutely fair, even he doesn't know what to say after making a move like that— only that he wanted to and he doesn't regret doing so.
Because it's Sylvain, and he'd never look away from him.
There's nothing lewd or shameful about what he did— it's not something he'd do easily, knowing how he feels for Byleth. Of course, it's not something he'd openly do with just about anyone either if he didn't have to. Especially back home, where such things are hardly going to get in their way—
When he's sure he'll be able to let Byleth know that he wants to spend his life with him until the very end.
Some part of him feels like regardless of his desire, his affection for Sylvain, for those that have supported and stood by him, will never diminish, and he responds, with his fingers moving under Sylvain's chin to tip his face up and look into his warm coloured eyes— ]
... just that you'll not hold back with whatever you feel you need from me. And... that you will be patient, as I try to understand what is within my- and the Professor's comfort.
[ A sigh rushes past, as he smiles at him. ]
Please don't ever put yourself down again, Sylvain. You've always meant more to me than you realize.
[ He uses the singular— because right now, he wants to reaffirm that between the both of them alone. ]
[There is a twinge of something like regret in him, for practically forcing Dimitri to do this, but... no. Dimitri himself was a force, especially now. There was no way he could make him do anything.
If he really was forcing him to do this, it would have only pushed him away.
Possibly for good, this time.
So that thought allows him to push away that guilt and just... listen to Dimitri. To look up into his eye when he tilts his head up, to simply... relax and let all the tenseness that wound up in him through the whole exchange melt away.]
...I'll try. It still feels strange, asking anything of you, but I know I can be patient.
[To a fault, sometimes, if this entire exchange was anything to go by.]
And I can't say I won't, but I will take solace in your words.
[It's... better than nothing, at least, he has to hope.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[So. True to his word, he does end up heading over to Dimitri's apartment to save him from the little furry menaces that found their way in.
And to hide from Felix.So - after a knock to be polite, he opens the door...
And finds Dimitri with the two cats up on him.]
Dimitri... how did this happen?
[Don't laugh, don't laugh...
Just going to reach up and scoop one of the cats off him, though.]
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If I knew that, I wouldn't be sitting here stuck with them playing on me.
[ He moves when Sylvain plucks them off though, finally stretching his shoulders and standing. ]
I just hadn't wanted them to fall and hurt themselves, is all.
[ Or get crushed by his attempt to hold them. He does give Sylvain an awkward, sheepish look though. ]
Thank you. Now we need to get them somewhere safe before Professor returns...
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He won't go ahead and call him out on that, though, letting him have the 'I didn't want them to fall' excuse. There were enough cats at Garreg Mach for them both to know that they were far sturdier than that.]
You don't want him to meet them? They successfully defeated you, after all.
[Yeah, he's not going to let him live that one down any time soon.
Even if it does become glaringly apparent how rambunctious they are when one climbs its way up onto his shoulders, even as the other seems very content in his arms.]
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At least, from here, they look adorable. He sighs and sets his device down on the coffee table there, shaking his head as he looks aside for a moment. The mention of the Professor is enough to get his cheeks visibly colouring again, but he does try to maintain his composure. ]
I was in the middle of cleaning his chambers next door. The last thing he needs is kittens making more of a mess. But.. I suppose showing them to him isn't too bad.
[ He looks back at Sylvain though, unsure on how to approach this but. ]
... now that you're here, though, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
[ And he actually looks nervous about it. ]
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But at least Dimitri looks more at ease with the kittens in... safer... hands.
Until the Professor is mentioned, at least. He does take note of that blush, stores the knowledge away for later use - to tease Dimitri or Byleth or both with.]
You did take a photo... Should I set them outside, so we can talk?
[He sure does notice that uncertain, nervous air about him, so he wants to be able to give him his full attention, if the topic warrants it.
He's sure it does, to get Dimitri like this, but on the other hand, maybe the presence of the kittens would... lighten the mood a bit. So they'll stay if Dimitri wants them to stay. If he doesn't, they'll be safely let out.]
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[ The kittens are somehow smarter about the device than he is. But he looks up at Sylvain before shaking his head and motioning to him to set the kittens down near a box they were favouring. He at least managed to get some yarn the Professor brought in in there and he had just been failing in getting them off him long enough to play.
Once done, he sighs, moving a hand behind the back of his neck— he's dressed down, wearing a shirt similar to the one in Claude's post, just in black, and matching breeches- he hardly looks as intimidating as he does in full armor, at least. ]
It's about... the Professor. I may have said something to him that... may change things between us.
[ It's not bad news at least, but he wants to at least let Sylvain know. Felix, too, but he has a feeling he'd be less inclined to actually listen to something like this. ]
... and I'm... unsure, on how this bodes for when we return.
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Still, he does as instructed, sets the kittens down in the box, and watches to make sure they become more preoccupied with the yarn than with coming back to play with either of them. Especially Dimitri.
Double-especially since neither of them are in armor, and fabric makes climbing legs so much easier for tiny claws.]
You finally confessed to him, didn't you?
[There's... something of an odd expression on his face as he asks. He's proud of Dimitri - and that's what shows through the most! - but there's also a tinge of melancholy and worry mixed in, too.
It's not really a secret how most of them had some level of affection for the Professor, and really it was only a matter of time until someone said something. It's just a bit of a surprise that Dimitri beat everyone else to the punch.
He hopes it went well. He also hopes it doesn't change anything between them, or between Byleth and the rest of them.]
What has you so uncertain? How did he respond?
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It'd be frightening if it weren't so reaffirming of the fact that his friend is simply extremely admirable if he puts his mind to it.
He looks as though he wants to ask how he knows but then thinks better of it, sighing and giving him a half-smile. ]
I'm both surprised and not that you guessed, Sylvain.
[ The only other person he imagines who would would be Claude— but that's another he'll figure out in time.
At his question, he lifts a hand as though to reassure him. ]
It went well. He feels the same way. I'm just...
[ His expression shifts to something more reminiscent of when they were younger— when Dimitri was younger, far less destroyed with experiences he can't take back. ]
I'm just worried that I'm being too selfish, especially with us in a place like this. A place where it's likely the environment alone will make us desire others.
[ He's come a long way if he's actually feeling worried about this. ]
... I don't want him to feel unhappy, or guilty. I fear I've said too much too soon, but I don't want to take it back.
[ He just wants to know if it's something they should continue to explore within this environment at all.. when it can't be permanent yet. ]
I love him, Sylvain. I just want him to be happy.
[ He lowers his gaze, his fists clenching to his sides. The thought of Byleth having to struggle in choosing between him or others is not something he wants him to suffer if the situation arises. ]
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The fact that Sylvain is terribly observant, but rarely shows it is just an aside, and the surprise on Dimitri's face alone makes that much worth it.
But even so, he doesn't interject, just stands by and listens, takes in all Dimitri's saying. His concerns aren't unfounded in the least bit, and the fact that Dimitri is concerned, along with allowing himself to feel these things so intensely is a beautiful thing. He's come a long way, and he hates to have to be... somewhat pragmatic in the face of it.
But Dimitri is his closest friend. He can't let him carry on with the potential of being hurt without allowing him to see all the options - pleasant and otherwise - in front of him.]
Dimitri... I don't believe you're being too selfish. Especially not if he feels the same. I can't speak to wanting to stay committed to one person-
[A laugh, light, airy, but still with a heavy undertone of bitterness - he knows his reputation, and it was very well-earned besides.]
-But I don't want you, either of you, to be hurt.
[A sigh, as he chews on his bottom lip, thinking about how to word what he feels he has to say next and finds himself unable to look directly at Dimitri.]
You've spoken with Claude. You know... we may - all of us - be from entirely different versions of our world. I don't know how, but that doesn't matter right now. What does is if you're prepared to have that conversation with him again, when we get home, if you have to. And... if, knowing that, it really matters what this place does to your desires regarding others.
[He's inclined to think it doesn't matter - but then again he thinks very little matters in the first place, regarding matters of attraction.]
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It's difficult not to, having known- and cared for Sylvain for as long as he has. Even as he watched him hide so much of his suffering behind a careless smile and dismissed concern—
It's not like he didn't want to support him whenever times got hard. For all that Sylvain's decided to show himself to be, he knows there's more to him- always has, and it's always saddened him when Sylvain has downplayed that.
With a sigh, once he's done talking, he falls quiet as he looks down. Would he be prepared to have this conversation again?
It they forget- no. He knows his feelings were present even before he came here. And Byleth..
He reached out his hand. ]
... no. It won't matter.
[ He turns his gaze back to Sylvain. ]
Regardless of what happens here— even if I forget this place, my feelings for him will be as they were before I came here. That won't change. He saved me, Sylvain. I dread to think what would have happened had he not...
[ And right now, the thought of dying to his vengeance seems so pointless. ]
Forgive me. I'm... just not sure how to progress. This is all so new to me.
[ He lifts his gaze, almost looking like that rather lost and confused student at Garreg Mach, hoping to get Sylvain's aid for something he hasn't ever pursued before. ]
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Even if helping only ends up being making a sounding board of himself for Dimitri to air his thoughts to, or a tempering presence for wild emotions.
So he softens. Offers Dimitri a smile that isn't nearly as bright as he usually would, but this one is all sincerity and pride. He really has come back to himself, hasn't he? And not just the 'himself' of the academy, but the 'himself' from before the tragedy. The little boy with the too-big heart.
The remaining scars will heal in time, but he's returned.]
You'll figure out how to progress. With him. I'm sure of it.
[It's not quite advice and he knows it, but if there's one thing he does know it's that every relationship is different. There are similarities, sure, but he can't tell Dimitri how to progress in his relationship with Byleth because, honestly, he's never had one like it.]
And as for what to do about what this place does... that's a conversation to be having with him as well, Dimitri. I'd be inclined to suggest that you not attempt to be exclusively... ah- physical, with one another, but maybe that's me being selfish.
[There's that laugh again - that one that's a little too light and airy, that has hints of something darker underneath. Because maybe he shouldn't have worded it that way, but... he had, and now he'll have to contend with the fact that he'd like to be intimate with Dimitri. And Byleth. That is, if Dimitri can read between the lines easily enough to pick that out.]
Just know that I will be here for you no matter what you two decide, my friend.
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He's spent so long in his aggression, so long hating and pushing away— that it's been a while since he could even bring himself to even think about listening to someone else's advice.
Perhaps, the fact that it's coming from Sylvain of all people is what makes it matter even more, so he's quiet as he speaks, pausing when he's done. While he doesn't entirely hear the undertone, he does see some sort of validity to his words. ]
Ah, you're right... this place will often have us being influenced, or even in situations where we might end up intimate with more people besides one another. And if not that, then we may have to assist each other with chroma drain.
[ He assumes that's what Sylvain means... ]
As... difficult as it might be, we should be prepared for those scenarios.
[ He speaks aloud- but, he finally looks up at Sylvain. ]
It might not be comfortable for me to see someone I have such feelings for with others, but at least here, I can be understanding. And... I would not turn any of you away in this place, should you need my presence.
[ Intimately, or just doing what they're doing now. ]
... is that acceptable?
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[So that's... not a yes, but it's not a no, either. The important thing is that Dimitri's heart is in the right place, and that he's trying. That's... more than he expected, honestly.
But he can't just let Dimitri go on assuming that any affection between them would be from either the world's influence or for the sake of chroma. He could get that with anyone. Easily. And he's not entirely sure Dimitri understands what he's just said, about not turning any of them away.]
I just might turn you away, though, if the only time you'd consider intimacy is for the chroma, or while under the moons' influence.
[It stings, to put it so bluntly like that, but... that's what it feels like, and it would be unfair to Dimitri to keep it from him.
But that's where the selfishness comes in. If it was only a matter of making money, or only a matter of alleviating some effect, he could use - and be used by - anyone, but doing something like that to someone he cares about is out of the question, and he won't allow someone he cares about to sour his opinion of them by allowing them to do such things in return. It's too similar to what happens at home for him to be comfortable doing that.
But suddenly his tone lightens again, and his expression brightens - he even gives Dimitri a wink, too, just to emphasize that he really doesn't have any hard feelings (yet), and the flirting to come is very, very genuine.]
But... if you desire my presence, then I'd be foolish to turn you down, wouldn't I?
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He's taking him for granted, isn't he?
It makes him still, listening to him, even as he teases, and yet he can detect something there- something that worries him and causes him to try and parse what he's actually implying.
And the realization that Sylvain is suggesting something beyond what they need for obligation, makes his jaw drop just slightly, though he catches himself as he feels his face heating up a bit. This is unlike Sylvain, even if he's trying to coat it with flirtation, and he can't help but feel a rush of nervousness followed by a feeling he hasn't paid any attention to until recently.
A feeling of longing. ]
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His next words come from that same place of affection, shared between friends. ]
... regardless of your activities, I cannot think of a moment where I did not desire your presence, Sylvain.
[ It's honest, even if he means this he hasn't wanted him for more than that- and yet... that feeling of longing remains, as he adds— ]
Am I allowed to be so selfish, after everything?
[ He repeats, now aimed at Sylvain- because after the atrocities he's committed, is it even right for him to want any more from his friends than they already give? ]
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[The answer came too quickly, so the epithet is tacked on to, in some ways, draw back a bit. It's a habit - a bad one - for him to be somewhat afraid to put himself, his genuine wants, out there.
So, of course Dimitri is allowed to be selfish. He's their king, why would he not be? He could ask the world of them, and they'd bring him the universe.
...But isn't that why he should be less afraid? It's Dimitri. The little boy that ran after him in the snow, who cried when he tripped and scraped his knee. The handsome young noble who looked to him for guidance at the Monastery, despite his reputation. The beast, swallowed up in the depths of grief and suffering that they all still stood by until he found a way to claw himself out and return to them.
His question had been genuine, so he shouldn't be flippant.
So he sighs, and starts again.]
Of course. I mean it, Dimitri. Ask anything of me, and it will be yours, and I'm certain we all feel the same.
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He can demand that much because he's their king. Would they be so conceding, were he not?
Even someone like Sylvain would...
The atmosphere around them feels far too tense, despite it, and he doesn't like it. To the point where he can hear the kittens purring in their box now, sated by their toys, and Sylvain's breaths, even-
Comforting. ]
... then don't treat me as though I were your king when we're here, Sylvain. I'm king of nothing here. And you're...
[ He trails off, finally stepping forward to reach out and move his hand over Sylvain's upper arm. The rest of him moves until he can move both arms around him, lowering his head to rest against the side of Sylvain's, the scent of his body all but palpable. ]
Why is it always my desire? Why can't I give you something you want?
[ This is far too much kindness for someone who has yet to do all he can to repent. He clutches Sylvain closer, as though afraid he'll just pull away again.
Perhaps, reminiscent of when they were younger. ]
What do you want to ask of me, Sylvain?
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That does not change the fact, though, that Dimitri could still demand more of him than, perhaps, he may be comfortable with. What that might be, he doesn't know, but it's still a part of life.
That insistence does bring a quirk of a smile to his face. He'd made the same assertion back at the Monastery, to mixed effect. But... he's right. Here, at least, the only reason to hold on to propriety is... habit.
Even so, he very nearly steps away when Dimitri places his hand on his arm. When he wraps him close. When he rests his head against his. He doesn't pull away, but he does bring his hands up between them and places them on Dimitri's chest.
He can feel his heartbeat. His breathing. It's striking, after seeing him encased in heavy armor, shut away from the world, for so long.
He's held closer still, and he drops his head down to rest on Dimitri's shoulder, fingers curling in that shirt.]
You can't, because I'm... terrible. And more selfish than you deserve to be burdened with.
[He's playing with fire, and he knows it. Bright and hot and burning, threatening to get away from him, like when he'd first learned to cast, when little hands couldn't contain magefire.
But Dimitri asked for honesty. It's the least he can do to give it for once.]
Bluntly? I want as much of you as you're willing to give me.
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(These hands that held not just me, but the others who came to you for warmth, Sylvain. Are you going to let them grow cold now?)
It's hard enough for Dimitri, who's gone so long without such closeness and touch for these years, where the scars of his trauma have seared through him to make everything feel like it can never offer him any comfort- to reach out like this. To open himself to the comfort that he ought to take.
That he's selfishly taken, and will hold, from Byleth.
And this... ]
Then I'm giving it to you.
[ He says, a little sharply, before pulling his head back to look firmly into Sylvain's eyes. Their faces are hardly far, enough for him to feel Sylvain's breaths on his face. ]
Whatever I am now, I wouldn't be without the Professor, but what I was allowed to be- as myself, beyond the madness and before, was because I had all of you. And especially—
[ His own hand moves up to Sylvain's chest, the both of them very nearly the same height, yet enough for Dimitri to still stand a little taller-
And that's when he moves, doing the only thing he can to speak in a language Sylvain will comprehend, after how he's twisted himself. Dimitri's hand rises to the back of his head, fingers threading in the strands, before he pulls him closer, and presses their mouths together.
It's not a lustful kiss- nor is it one to entice. It's simple, longing, and comforting.
As though telling Sylvain that he would give him even more than this, only because it was him. He lets it linger, feeling his face burn, before he breaks it, but doesn't move too far back. ]
Because I've always had you, Sylvain. Don't you dare try and presume that you mean any less to me.
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But that was never really true when it came to those he actually held dear, was it? Dimitri and Felix and Ingrid were allowed in, before he walled himself away. Byleth and Mercedes and, later, Dorothea saw right through him, but unlike others, they didn't let him push back, push them away.
Even so... it's too much. He should push away - as if he could even do such a thing, now, with Dimitri holding him tight - should leave, should pretend he'd never opened up, never said something so stupid.
The sharpness in Dimitri's voice roots him in place, makes him pull his head back as well to look at him - really, truly look at him.
There's intensity in his gaze, and sincerity, and though he still wants to protest - that he'd done so little, that he should have been there, should have given him more, everything, that he's terrible, that he doesn't deserve what he's asking of him... - he can't. He's awful. Worthless. Less than worthless, here, where his crest doesn't matter, but even so, Dimitri sees something of value in him. He won't - can't - cast that aside.
He's never noticed before that Dimitri had grown taller than him, with how he's so often hunched in on himself under the weight of his armor and his furs and his grief. He notices now, when Dimitri draws up to his full height, when he threads fingers in his hair, when he makes him lean up into a kiss he still doesn't feel as though he deserves.
He returns it anyway, and there's an intensity in it from him in the longing in it, almost desperate. He reaches up, too, lets his hands slide over Dimitri's chest until he can drape his arms over his shoulders, around his neck, holding on, now, instead of poised to push away.
He can't even tease Dimitri for the blush on his face when he finally breaks it, because he can feel that there's one on his own cheeks as well.]
Goddess... I... Dimitri, I don't know what to say...
[Maybe that's for the best. His first impulse, even after all that, was to apologize for making Dimitri feel as though he had to do that, say that. Or for even coming between him and Byleth this much - as though he knew what would and would not be contentious. His second impulse was to insist that they stop, that Dimitri see what Byleth was comfortable with him doing, here, before they went further... and then to backpedal again, because that would be presuming they would.
But either of those would be throwing everything Dimitri had just told him, everything he'd just done, back in his face. He can't do that. He won't do that.
What he can do, what he's always done, that comes as easy as breathing, is trust him.]
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Because it's Sylvain, and he'd never look away from him.
There's nothing lewd or shameful about what he did— it's not something he'd do easily, knowing how he feels for Byleth. Of course, it's not something he'd openly do with just about anyone either if he didn't have to. Especially back home, where such things are hardly going to get in their way—
When he's sure he'll be able to let Byleth know that he wants to spend his life with him until the very end.
Some part of him feels like regardless of his desire, his affection for Sylvain, for those that have supported and stood by him, will never diminish, and he responds, with his fingers moving under Sylvain's chin to tip his face up and look into his warm coloured eyes— ]
... just that you'll not hold back with whatever you feel you need from me. And... that you will be patient, as I try to understand what is within my- and the Professor's comfort.
[ A sigh rushes past, as he smiles at him. ]
Please don't ever put yourself down again, Sylvain. You've always meant more to me than you realize.
[ He uses the singular— because right now, he wants to reaffirm that between the both of them alone. ]
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If he really was forcing him to do this, it would have only pushed him away.
Possibly for good, this time.
So that thought allows him to push away that guilt and just... listen to Dimitri. To look up into his eye when he tilts his head up, to simply... relax and let all the tenseness that wound up in him through the whole exchange melt away.]
...I'll try. It still feels strange, asking anything of you, but I know I can be patient.
[To a fault, sometimes, if this entire exchange was anything to go by.]
And I can't say I won't, but I will take solace in your words.
[It's... better than nothing, at least, he has to hope.]